I was going to say that I’ve never really had issues with age but I suddenly remembered turning 23 and saying “I’m officially old”. Hah. If I can go back in time, I’d make it my goal to look for my 23-year old self just so I can slap her and tell her Bitch, stop being such a drama queen. You’re 23, not 80. And maybe tell her to stay away from fast food because man, that shit really does make you fat.

So. Yes. 30. To celebrate, I’ll be… wait for it… retiring this blog. I know, I know. You’re sad to see me go, you’ll miss me, what are you going to do with your life when I’m gone, etcetera etcetera. Seriously, though? I’ve been doing this blogging thing for over seven years and it’s gotten old. Time to move on.

I’m also planning a birthday gig with those assholes from the former Man Blog along with a few friends from my old job. I need to convince them that a Mr. Big cover is mandatory. Or at least Poison’s Until You Suffer Some. Maybe I can lure them with the promise of cupcakes.

I want to take this time and apologize to the people who are obsessed with Van Damme’s penis. I’m sorry that every time you search for “John Cloud Van Dam’s penis”, you end up here and find no sign of his penis anywhere. I was once tempted to search for this mythical penis myself, just to see what I’ll find but quickly realized that I can’t. No. Just. No.

Do svidaniya, bitches!

Luis was in Philadelphia a few weeks back and I asked if he can order it from Amazon for me (since he was in such an order-happy mood, barely two days into his trip) along with this and this but he didn’t have enough space in his luggage so I was like oh wells and he was like, I’ll figure it out. I’ve forgotten about it so I was delightfully surprised when he handed it to me. As pasalubong! YAY! 50 movies! Insane! I better get crackin’ on this motherfucker soon. Then maybe I’ll actually hit more than 100 movies this year.

Meanwhile, Lauren got back from her San Francisco shenanigans a couple of weeks ago and this is what I asked her to get for me:

Boba Fett headphones! Harrrr. It kinda looks like a cheap plastic toy but the sound quality is pretty decent. Definitely loads better than the shitty earphones that come with iPods. She also got me pasalubong which I refuse to discuss here. You know, because I’m classy and shit.

Designed, inked and photographed by one of my favorite people in the world, Dyani Lao.

That’s 72 so far, not counting the ones I’m missing. As you can see, I’ve been very productive. Looks like I’ll hit my goal, after all.

A few notes on the horror stuff:

Red, White & Blue
A slow-burn thriller with a brutal payoff. You have to be patient with this one.

Sheitan
French hillbillies! By far, the most bizarre Vincent Cassel movie I’ve seen.

Mother’s Day
Remake of Troma’s original. Crazy mother is crazy.

I Spit on Your Grave
Remake of Meir Zarchi’s 1978 original. Pretty good. Kills are definitely more violent.

The Crazies
Remake of Romero’s original. The usual quarantined town. Not enough crazies.

Tell Tale
Loosely based on Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell-Tale Heart. And when I say loosely, I mean nothing at all like Edgar Allan Poe’s. Grisly kills here and there but I can’t get into the whole heart transplant killing thing.

Cabin Fever 2
Fun but kind of wacky for a sequel.

Hurt
Reminds me of The Orphan but with more drama. Egh.

Bitter Feast
Slow-ass pacing, insufferable characters (except Mario Batali) and unimpressive violence. I imagine this is every food blogger/critic’s nightmare, though.

Zombies of Mass Destruction
Shitty acting, shitty humor, shitty effects. It’s like someone watched Shaun of the Dead and thought HEY, WE CAN TOTALLY DO THIS SHIT.

Stake Land
Kinda like Zombieland but more serious and not as good. So serious!

Where the Wild Things Are
More like “Where the Wild Things Suck”. Because you know, IT SUCKS. I know it’s supposed to be beautiful and shit but I just wanted to smack that stupid kid right in his stupid face. BAH.

Jesus Christ, that looks awful. No wonder Clive Barker is pissed. Also, Pinhead? You’re getting a little chubby there, pal. Revelations is NOT the remake that everyone’s (yes, everyone. Shut up.) been talking about but the ninth installment of the franchise; Weinstein Company’s last-ditch effort before their rights expire.

I have no idea what’s going on with the Hellraiser remake but it seems to be such a troubled production, with writers and directors signing on and off. At first, Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo (Inside) signed on but Dimension rejected their script and they left the project due to “creative differences”. Pascal Laugier (Martyrs) was attached at some point (and I was like, HELLS YEAH) but for some reason, he was taken off the film (so I was like, BAH, DAMN IT).

Last I heard, Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier are working on it, as writer and director respectively. They’ve previously worked together on My Bloody Valentine 3D and Drive Angry while Farmer wrote the screenplay for Jason X – all of which I like. They say it’s going to be a hard R and that they definitely want Doug Bradley to return as Pinhead or at least make a cameo. Delightful!

I do hope Doug Bradley comes back because he will always be Pinhead to me. Kinda like how Robert Englund will always be Freddy and Brad Dourif will always be Chucky.

It is not hands that summon us. It is desire.

Goddamn, this is so fucking cool. A sequel is in the works and according to Michael Jai White, “it will be even blacker and more dynamitey”! Hells, yeah.

I love how it looks exactly the way it used to. Christopher Robin sounds different, though. And d’aawww, the song couldn’t be any more perfect. Kee, I am filled with warm, fuzzy, fluffy feelings. <3

See, I am of the opinion that the world is a horrible, terrifying place. It is filled with hate, anger, malice, bullies and cruel people. Just turn on the news (or go on the internets) and you'll see what I mean. Sure, there are many who are all about love and kindness and giving, but we hardly ever hear about them. All we see are murderers, rapists, terrorists and well, mean assholes. Humans are fucking scary.

For some reason, Winnie the Pooh makes me feel that hey, the world isn't such a bad place, after all.

Van Damme VS Bolo Yeung in Double Impact:

Scott Adkins as Boyka in Undisputed 2: Last Man Standing:

Michael Jai White VS everyone in Blood & Bone:

Ricky VS Oscar in Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky:

Zombie VS Shark in Lucio Fulci’s Zombi 2:

So if you’re into shit like these, check out Best Fight Ever for more ass-kicking and face-pummeling goodness.

*Yes, pro-wrestling as in WWE. I KNOW it isn’t “real”, asshole. UFC? No, thank you. If I’m going to watch two half-naked guys grapple and embrace each other, I want the spectacle. I want suplexes, GTS, spears. I want elbow drops, leg drops, knee drops, all kinds of drops. I want stunners, piledrivers, sharpshooters and chokeslams. I want people getting thrown over top ropes and jumping from the top of steel cages. I want tables and ladders and chairs. I want tables and ladders and chairs wrapped in barbed wire AND set on fire. Now, if only they bring back the Attitude Era and get rid of this PG-13 bullshit they gots goin’ on.

I love listening to music and I’d like to think that my taste is pretty decent. Unfortunately, music doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’m tone-deaf and my voice is god-awful. I mentioned that I’ve worked with musicians and in the six years that I was with them, I was often the butt of jokes because I am completely ignorant when it comes to making music. Six years and I still don’t know what MIDI is about or hell, what it stands for. (MUSICAL INTERFACE DIGITAL… INTERFACE? Haha.) When we’re on our coffee break and they start talking about technical shit, my mind tends to wander. And my eyes may gloss over from time to time. Reverb, what? Distortion, what? Cakewalk? What’s that? Is that edible?

I never paid attention to my music class back in high school, it bored the daylights out of me. All I see on the chalkboard are a bunch of lines and dots. I have no idea how I passed that subject. I did have a crush on my teacher, though. I was even caught in class, passing around a note expressing my infatuation towards him. I was sent to the Principal’s office. Note that I was a freshman in an all-girls Catholic school. Fun times.

Now, when I say that I can do A, D and G, it means I know where to place my fingers. Doesn’t mean they sound right, doesn’t mean I can do them in succession. Yesterday, I spent four hours trying to get D right. My fingers are so sore that it hurts as I type this and the neighbors were probably pissed from the horrible sound coming from our apartment. I still can’t do it right but I did learn how to strum to 4 Non-Blondes’ What’s Up. Achievement unlocked! WOO!

I don’t know why I think I can pull this off when clearly, I do not have the talent. But I am nothing if not resilient. Or stubborn. Depends on how you look at it, really. I love how supportive and encouraging my musician friends are, though. One of them was nice enough to pick a guitar for me (photo above), complete with a case and extra strings and picks (Thanks, Doc! I love you!) while the one I have successfully coerced into teaching me is like, you’ll be shredding in no time and I’m like, HUHYEAH, give me two years. Or ten.

So, yeah. We’ll see how this goes. Good luck to me. Good goddamned luck.

SHWEET. I love Drew Struzan‘s art. We actually have the special edition Clue board game that features his work. Most of the DVDs are R1 and came in snap cases. I think all DVDs should come in snap cases, they save a lot of space. We won’t be switching to Blu Ray anytime soon ever and we need all the space we can get.

ALSO, MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT! It’s my favorite video game movie of all time and up to this day, even with all the Resident Evils and the Silent Hills and the shiny Final Fantasies, I still think it’s the best. You wanna know why it’s the best? Because fuck you, that’s why. I love how the sets have such a Frank Frazetta (rest his soul) feel to them, like straight out of the pages of Heavy Metal. Not even Kevin Tancharoen’s Mortal Kombat: Legacy, with its big budget and special effects, comes close.

Or I dunno, does it? Because I lost interest, like, three episodes in. At first I was excited, especially with the whole hype about Rebirth (I don’t like how they grounded it in reality, though) and with Michael Jai White on-board as Jax. But nothing was happening and I didn’t get why Johnny Cage is so angsty all of a sudden. He’s supposed to be a funny douchebag and isn’t that what makes him awesome? In Legacy, he’s all OMG SO SRS. I mean, why bother with that approach? I fail to understand why they need to change what’s already been established when they can’t even spend any more time following the plot through. Fuck these guys.

My second favorite has got to be Van Damme’s Street Fighter. Of course. I don’t give a shit what people say, I think it’s fucking awesome, bad dialogue and all. It’s got Van Damme and Raúl Juliá and that’s all I really need. Also, it was written and directed by the same guy who wrote Die Hard, Running Man and Commando, so you know, fuck you. Besides, Van Damme DID kick that son of a bitch Bison’s ass SO HARD that Legend of Chun-Li’s wannabe Bison felt it. And if you so much as even think that Legend of Chun-Li is better, then you Sir, are a fucking asshole. Don’t even get me started with that dude from Black Eyed Peas as Vega. Ugh. Ridiculous.